A four-letter word for impartial? Anybody?

I've only recently taken an interest in crossword puzzles. Up until the last year or two, I never particularly enjoyed them, probably because I was very bad at them, probably because I had never done them before, which was (you guessed it) probably because I never particularly enjoyed them.

But that has all changed of late, as I've taken up routinely attempting the puzzle in my hometown newspaper. And I find it rather stimulating (mentally, perverts). It may be because I have become old and boring, or...

No, I'm confident that's it. No need speculating on other possible reasons.

The trouble is, I'm still fairly bad at the puzzles. I consider myself moderately well educated. But apparently I have a below-average ability to memorize intellectual trivia, which seems to be the sort of knowledge required for crossword puzzle proficiency.

In the puzzles that I frequent, the clues often relate to literature, classical music, movies, historical figures, geography, foreign languages, and so on. There are also vocabulary-related clues, which tend to be the ones I fill in first.

Notwithstanding my weakness, I attempt to solve these puzzles. It gives me something to do while eating breakfast and/or sitting on the porcelain throne. (You may recall this doozy of post, which inspired a lengthier discussion of toilet-time activities among my readers.)

Occasionally, I will actually finish an entire puzzle, sometimes with Meaghan's help, other times with Mr. Webster's or Mr. Wikipedia's help. Once every blue waning moon, I'll solve a whole puzzle all by myself.

On my best day, I doubt I've ever finished a puzzle in less than 20 minutes.

So you can imagine my disgust at reading about this guy, 23-year-old Tyler Hinman, the four-time American Crossword Puzzle Tournament champion, who routinely works the New York Times puzzle in less than five minutes. Watch him go.

Notice in the video the camera doesn't zoom in close enough to actually read the puzzle. He's probably not even writing real words, just scribbling on the page.

Ah well, he's given me something to aspire to. If I study late enough and train hard enough and do enough mental wind-sprints, I too one day can finish a puzzle in less time than it takes me to eat a piece of toast.

I don't know, then, what I'll do while eating my second piece of toast, but I can figure that out when the day comes. Maybe I'll take up the Celebrity Cipher.