What's in my FBI file

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a card-carrying member of the Communist Party. I haven't even had a socialist-leaning work of fiction published, so I doubt Sen. McCarthy would bother calling me to testify before Congress if he were still alive and still conducting his famed hearings.

Nevertheless, I wonder if the FBI keeps a file on me and, if so, what they've got in there. A list of books I've checked out from the library, maybe? I have read a lot of public copies of John Steinbeck novels, so that might nominate me for some sort of red-scare watchlist, if such a thing still exists.

But, no, I suspect the FBI has moved on to focus on other kinds of affiliations these days -- potential links to Islamic terrorism mostly. My world religion professor in college was about the closest I've ever come to interacting with a Muslim of Middle Eastern descent. And if this guy was a radical, he certainly hid it well.

So the logical conclusion is: the FBI guy assigned to fill my file is probably bored to the point of playing Family Feud online. (Go ahead. Just one game. I'll wait.) Even this blog -- though providing possible insight into my political leanings -- is so "maddeningly infrequent," as one dear reader put it, that it could hardly keep the junior intelligence gatherer (or whatever they call themselves) busy.

Well, I'm feeling generous, so I'm going to suggest some possible additions to my file. I'm not saying they'll be easy to obtain, but at least this will give the guy something to do:

1. A handwriting sample. I hear you can tell a lot about someone's personality through careful analysis of his or her handwriting. I'll go ahead and give you the summary for mine -- there's plainly some sick stuff going on in my head that even I am unaware of. Seriously, my scribbles look less and less like the modern English alphabet every time I write. Maybe I'm reverting to some earlier form of writing, through knowledge passed genetically down from my Anglo ancestors. Does it work that way?

2. The April Fools editions of my college newspaper. As many of my readers (who were fellow college newspaper staff members) can confirm, nothing reveals my twisted psyche quite like this annual gag edition of the student paper that we produced. Part of the tradition involved creating a crude, cardboard/paper replica of some building on campus and then setting fire to it for a front page April Fools photo (or photo montage, in some cases). Ah, good times.

3. The detailed diary I've been keeping about planning a hypothetical revolution. It's got a lot of names, phone numbers, schematics. I'm just saying, might be interesting reading.

4. A print of one of the Dogs Playing Poker paintings. I don't know what this would tell the FBI about me. I just think it would be a cool thing to have in my file. I think I like Bold Bluff best.

5. A photo of me. Not because I'm vain, just that it seems like a standard item to have on file. But give me a little credit and don't use any of those from the college yearbook. They made me look so pale. All right, fine, I'll give you one. My friend caught me off guard while I was working out, so it's a little embarrassing, but at least you'll know what I look like.

I'm sure there's plenty more to dig up on me, but this should be a good start.

By the way, can I get a copy of the file, just for fun?