American Idol is back! (or how I plan to lose several IQ points in the coming weeks)

Confession time:

This week, upon the return of "American Idol" to the TV lineup, I spent a solid four hours watching heavily deluded, tone-deaf people have their grossly misguided dreams crushed by the ever-amused trio of judges: Randy, Paula and Simon.

And it was hysterical.

After six seasons of the show, you would think viewers would be sick of watching vocally challenged Americans line up by the tens of thousands for a chance to show us all just how terrible they are at singing. But you'd be wrong, cause we're not.

I suppose "American Idol" is best known to many as a singing competition between a couple dozen finalists, on whom the viewers vote via phone calls and text messages each week, until a winner is selected and vaulted to semi-stardom in the pop music world -- or else a single Ford commercial and then total oblivion, depending on their mass market appeal.

But there are those of us who prefer the season's earlier episodes -- the auditions. These follow a careful formula:

1. We watch two to three scenes of atrocious singers butchering a song that wasn't very good to start with, after which the judges (depending on their moods) either insult them or say 'you're nice, but keep your day job' and send them on their way.

2. Then we get to see one pretty good singer (or one pretty girl, whose singing doesn't sound like the screech of a cat being raped), and that person gets a "golden ticket" to compete in the next round in Hollywood.

3. We see a vignette telling us about some contestant's life, including video clips of them working on the farm or drawing artwork or whatever they do in their real life, and we get to meet their families. The sadder his/her story, the more likely that he/she will be a terrible singer and then the judges will have to try not to laugh or verbally abuse them while telling them they should never, ever sing a song again.

4. We see a contestant who either A) is mentally disabled or B) knowingly came to the audition to do something deliberately dumb or (if we're lucky) funny on national television. Here, Randy and Paula laugh and say 'thanks for coming, now please leave' and Simon scowls and motions for security to escort this person out of the room.

5. We're taken into commercial break by a montage of people badly and comically singing the same song (while the original recording of the song plays in the background, so that we will actually know what song it is that these people are supposed to be singing). Ryan Seacrest is also there.

And that, folks, is fantastic television.

I am fully aware that parts of it are rather mean and demeaning, as I probably laughed at some mentally retarded people last night and Tuesday. Also, the whole thing is very repetitive and borderline obnoxious.

But none of that, nor the realization that I am probably losing an IQ point for every hour I watch, can tear me away. I am addicted.

This truly is people-watching at its finest. It's the highlight reel of people watching. You know, some people will sit at a mall or an airport for hours waiting to catch a glimpse of one weirdo, dressed bizarrely and saying freaking stuff. Well, I can get two solid hours of that from the comfort of my couch.

Even better, I've noticed that something about singing brings out the inner absurdities of people who might come off as reasonably sane in a conversation or other average situation.

So, moral of the story is: don't wait around to watch the finals of "American Idol," when they'll try to convince you that one of these mediocre singers is the next Top 40 superstar.

Watch now, when the whole point is laughing at these fools.