WTF?

Highway to heaven?


I thought you'd all like to know that some real, honest-to-goodness Bible scholars in Texas have determined Interstate 35 to be the holy highway that Isaiah prophesied about in the Old Testament. They're praying to see all the "evildoers" (to quote that great orator George W. Bush) purged from the cities along that highway and for a great groundswell of righteousness there.

I know. I know. I was skeptical at first, too. I mean, some so-called scholar is all the time predicting when the world is going to end and then the date comes and goes and we're all still here.

But then I saw in the video how these guys figured it out. You see they used some pretty irrefutable mathematical calculation on this one. I'll try to summarize it as best I can understand it: (bear with me, cause this is heady stuff)

The highway referenced in prophecy must be I-35 because the text appears in Isaiah, chapter 35.

This is really groundbreaking shit, theologically speaking.

I think this is my answer to Jacob's pondering earlier this week about what kind of long, unusual journey or road trip he would like to take. He suggested crossing the U.S. in some sort of animal-drawn wagon, if I recall correctly.

Well, I've got my calling now. I'm destined for a long, arduous journey up the I-35 corridor, from Texas to Michigan (I think).

How will I do it? That's the question of the hour.

I could always walk. Or ride an ass. Those would be very Jesus-like ways to travel.

Let's see. I could also have someone drive slowly through the downtown areas of all the major cities along the way, as I stood in the back of a pickup truck spreading the word through a bullhorn. Hm, that sounds a lot like a politician, though. I don't want people to think I'm running for office.

Well, however I decide to travel, you can bet I'll be stopping at all the churches along the way, PromiseLand for starters. But you can also bet I'll be skipping those hippie liberal Presbyterians like the guy in the video. No sir, I want to go places where my message of I-35 holiness will be received by open hearts and minds.

I'm giving first priority to those nondenominational "Six Flags Over Georgia churches," to borrow Severo's terminology. Second priority are the Baptists. Churches with seven or more words in their name (The Great Holy Israel Grace of God Rapture Preparation Temple, for example) and/or those operating out of people's houses get third priority. Anything after that just depends on how much time I have.

I'll be looking for volunteer support staff to help iron out the logistics and make all this possible. Advance planning is important for a successful interstate missionary march. And, of course, I'll need at least one volunteer standing directly behind me at all times during the trip to carry my supplies and sell T-shirts to onlookers as we pass. (Don't fight, loyal readers. You guys can take turns. It will be a long trip.)

Um, some initial T-shirt ideas: We could draw cartoon legs and arms on an image of the I-35 sign and illustrate it kneeling in prayer. And maybe another shirt that people would want to put on right away as the march progresses: just a plain white shirt with the word "FOLLOWER" in big letters across the front. I'm just kicking some things around here. I'm open to other suggestions.

Also, one other thing, I'm going to need someone (and this really should be a full-time job for one single person throughout the trip) to make notes along the way about what I see, experience, think, feel and the conversations that I have and souls that I save. Then, when we finish you can just type that up in a narrative form of, you know, 80,000 to 100,000 words or so, and I'll take it from there. I assure you your rewards will be great in Heaven.

I'm am so stoked about the great I-35 revival of 2008 (and possibly 2009; I don't know how long it will take to walk the full interstate).