Friday, December 21, 2007

School's out! School's out!

As badly as I hate to admit it, I felt a brief rush of giddiness this afternoon when I realized I would not have to work for the next 11 days. It's been a while since I've had such a break to look forward to, considering I began my first professional job about four months before I graduated from college.

That first job -- as most of you are well aware, having worked for the same newspaper at some point -- did not allow me 11 days off for Christmas. Technically, my current job doesn't either, but it does provide me enough annual vacation days that I can arrange to have 11 days off for Christmas without that being my only time off for the whole year.

Did I mention I have 11 days off for Christmas? Because I do. Of course, some of those are weekend days (four, precisely) and then there are national holidays (two) when almost everyone is off -- except a handful of those poor souls still working for daily newspapers. So I actually only had to burn five of my vacation days to make this happen. And four plus two plus five equals 11 days off for Christmas.

By writing this post, I do not mean to gloat over those who do not have 11 days off for Christmas. I'm just strangely excited about having 11 days off for Christmas and can't stop writing about my 11 days off for Christmas. I feel like a schoolboy again, only as a working adult I have my own money and means of transportation and won't be at the mercy of my parents and the television to find entertainment during my 11 days off for Christmas.

Plus I haven't wet my pants or punched anyone in the stomach in a long time. That's another difference between me now and me as a schoolboy. And I don't wear that silly sailor suit and hat anymore.

Well, sometimes on special occasions.

Such as, when I have 11 days off for Christmas. But, as it turns out, I do have a full schedule of activities planned for these 11 days -- none of which will likely be appropriate occasions for sailor suits or punches in the stomach.

Then again, I suppose one never knows when the right occasion for a punch in the stomach might arise. I'll be prepared for that, just in case. And I suppose I could keep the sailor suit in the trunk of my car.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Is anyone still reading this? Hello?

I've got to stop writing now before this devolves into some sort of beatnik poetry. Actually, that might be a step up at this point.

So Merry Christmas to my loyal readers. I hope you all get at least a little time off for Christmas. Those who don't might consider staging a live re-enactment of Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" in your boss' home late Monday night. And I'll gladly post video footage from said re-enactment on this site (if I can figure out how to do that).

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Yes, Virginia

This post is not about Santa Claus (which God help me, I just almost spelled with an 'e' on the end -- damn you, Tim Allen). It's about me wasting time. That is meant to be the theme of this blog, after all, now isn't it? And lately I just haven't done enough of it.

So I apologize to all those who rely on my time wasting to help them waste time in return.

Without further adieu (disregard previous post about not using cliches in good writing), I shall list things here. In no particular order. And the listing of them shall have no predetermined count. I shall list until I tire of listing (or assume that you readers may tire of reading) or I return to my senses with the urge to work and make money or exert some effort to prevent my mother's impending potential homelessness.

1. Just found my brother, a part time college professor, on RateMyProfessor.com. Apparently his students find him quite knowledgeable and eager to help them succeed, but also rather monotone and bearing some resemblance to Lurch. Quite observant, those students. I couldn't have said it better myself. (It's funnier if you know him. Sorry.)

2. No matter how many times I look at it, the Blogger logo always looks more like some foreign character than a letter B.

3. I'm fading fast.

4. My Dilbert one-a-day desk calendar is still showing Dec. 3. I've got some catching up to do.

5. Christmas shopping was unusually easy this year, maybe because I left Meaghan to do most of the shopping and all of the wrapping. Also, I stopped caring about getting people really good gifts and just bought the first thing that looked remotely like something they could potentially enjoy.

6. We bought small, plush teddy bears at IKEA for the babies. Strange place for teddy bears, but they were very soft and cheap. Sadie got one, too, and chewed the nose off it.

7. When writing articles for the online publication that employs me, we have to do this HTML coding trick where we type
at the end of each paragraph, to force a line break. So when I write on my blog, I have to restrain myself from typing that here as well. (I hope Blogger doesn't confuse my typing here for HTML code. If there's a strange break in the middle of this paragraph, I apologize.)

8. Eight.

9. Phone.

10. Printer.

11. Not

12. on

13. drugs,

14. I promise.

15. For some reason I just heard Ellen Degeneres' voice narrating this blog. Seemed funnier that way.

16. I don't know if I spelled Degeneres correctly, and I don't care to look it up right now. Suck it.

17. Courtney apparently shares her name with some sort of rock star or musician, I learned after some Googling inspired by Mickey's recent post on the subject.

18. I hope there's no contest for best blog post today, because I would score poorly. Meaghan and Courtney both have good showings, however, so congratulations to them. I declare them the semifinalists, and now the rest of you may vote for a winner -- or call a Constitutional Congress or simply implore the Supreme Court to pick their favorite, whichever you prefer for deciding close elections.

19. Bacon Soup is going to tear me a new one for this.

20.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The pen is mightier than the sword

The old adage has never been more true than it is today, when the Internet makes it possible for millions of people around the world to read the words of a published writer (just like the millions of you reading this blog right now). In the same amount of time it takes to write a hurried essay, probably the best you could do with a sword is kill 15, maybe 20 samurai. Big deal.

So I'm going to share a few writing tips here for the following reasons: 1) I like writing and think it's important, useful and enjoyable; 2) Kari Masson asked me to; 3) I know nothing about swordplay, as my alternative topic given the title I've selected; 4) to piss off Mickey, who don't need no stinking writing tips.

Seriously, aspiring writers please disregard the preceding two paragraphs of garble. I haven't blogged in more than a week, and I have a backlog of mindless crap clouding my writer's judgment. Kari and Meaghan have each shared some great tips for beginning writers looking to get published, and I shall endeavor to come up with some slightly different ones, so as not to be totally redundant (and further piss off Mickey, I'm sure).

For starters, I'll confess that almost all of my published writing has been for a full-time employer, not as a freelancer, so I'm not sure I can offer anything specific to catching an editor's eye. I'll focus instead on some basics of good writing, which should go a long way toward catching said eye.

Step one: Cut a hole in a box. Wait, no, that's the wrong set of instructions.

Step one: Plan, research and write with focus. This goes hand-in-hand with Kari's tip regarding organization. Your article should have a strong sense of focus. Know precisely what you're writing about and what you're trying to say. Then, say it. Narrowing your topic is a key part of this concept. If you think you're going to publish a 500-word magazine article about Christmas, you're in trouble. It's way too broad to be focused (or interesting). 'Christmas trees' is getting closer, but still pretty broad. A brief history of the evolution of local Christmas tree traditions, as told by a few local holiday decor shop owners = much more focused.

Readers (and editors) shouldn't scratch their heads trying to figure out what an article is about. (And yes, I realize this post is a rather poor example of writing with focus. I'm trying to turn things around in the latter half.)

Step two: Avoid the cliche. I mean this in two ways: the cliche words and phrases that get overused to the point of losing their meaning, and the cliche article topics that get overused to the point of no longer being interesting.

On the first point, some editors/writers will disagree and say cliches can be a quick, even catchy way to communicate an idea or sentiment. I'll concede that is true in some cases, but more often cliches are just lazy devices that make your writing sound just like everyone else's writing (or speech). If you use cliches, make sure you do it for good reason. Otherwise, replace them with a clever original phrase, or even just plain old real words that literally mean what you're trying to say (see the "precise language" section below).

Secondly, don't write the same old article idea you've read a dozen times somewhere else. If you've read it a dozen times, then your would-be editor has probably had it pitched to her a hundred times. It's boring. Now, this doesn't mean you should find a completely bizarre topic. If you go too far, the readers will find it utterly foreign and irrelevant to them. (See Meaghan's point on knowing your audience) But you can bring them a fresh perspective on a familiar subject.

Step three: Use precise language. In addition to the point about cliches, carefully read your writing to make sure it means exactly what you intend it to mean. Consider your word choices, the order of words and phrases and even your punctuation, which can all lead to a potential misreading of your sentences. Slang can be OK, depending on the style of publication and your knowledge of your audience (again), but when in doubt just use direct language to say what you mean to say. Second-guess yourself, asking: does this sentence mean what I intended it to mean?

Step four: Read it aloud to yourself. You've probably heard this one before, but I think it can be very helpful, especially for beginning writers looking to crack into the craft. By reading aloud, you hear sections of the text that sound awkward and notice the places where you stumble over the wording. If you (the writer) stumble over a section while reading it aloud, you can be sure the reader will stumble over it.

Step five: Read, read, read. Here I'm not talking about your own text, but rather other people's writing. It's really the best way to improve your writing. Read online news sites, short feature articles, long articles, humor pieces, serious pieces, and so on. The more you read, the more you'll notice the way other writers compose their thoughts, vary their sentence structures, employ different styles and voices (depending on the subject matter and the audience). You'll improve your vocabulary and spelling skills. Also, you'll gain a general knowledge of the world around you, and without that you've got nothing to write about. If you have a certain magazine in which you're trying to get published, read that to see the writing styles and topics that are commonly included.

I've gone on too long and am certainly in no position to instruct on being concise, although that is helpful in many instances. I hope these tips will be helpful to someone and not too elementary. (Mickey, if he's still reading, is bored out of his mind, I am sure. That cliche is dedicated to you, Mickey. Merry Christmas.)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

WTF?

Highway to heaven?
Highway to heaven?



I thought you'd all like to know that some real, honest-to-goodness Bible scholars in Texas have determined Interstate 35 to be the holy highway that Isaiah prophesied about in the Old Testament. They're praying to see all the "evildoers" (to quote that great orator George W. Bush) purged from the cities along that highway and for a great groundswell of righteousness there.

I know. I know. I was skeptical at first, too. I mean, some so-called scholar is all the time predicting when the world is going to end and then the date comes and goes and we're all still here.

But then I saw in the video how these guys figured it out. You see they used some pretty irrefutable mathematical calculation on this one. I'll try to summarize it as best I can understand it: (bear with me, cause this is heady stuff)

The highway referenced in prophecy must be I-35 because the text appears in Isaiah, chapter 35.

This is really groundbreaking shit, theologically speaking.

I think this is my answer to Jacob's pondering earlier this week about what kind of long, unusual journey or road trip he would like to take. He suggested crossing the U.S. in some sort of animal-drawn wagon, if I recall correctly.

Well, I've got my calling now. I'm destined for a long, arduous journey up the I-35 corridor, from Texas to Michigan (I think).

How will I do it? That's the question of the hour.

I could always walk. Or ride an ass. Those would be very Jesus-like ways to travel.

Let's see. I could also have someone drive slowly through the downtown areas of all the major cities along the way, as I stood in the back of a pickup truck spreading the word through a bullhorn. Hm, that sounds a lot like a politician, though. I don't want people to think I'm running for office.

Well, however I decide to travel, you can bet I'll be stopping at all the churches along the way, PromiseLand for starters. But you can also bet I'll be skipping those hippie liberal Presbyterians like the guy in the video. No sir, I want to go places where my message of I-35 holiness will be received by open hearts and minds.

I'm giving first priority to those nondenominational "Six Flags Over Georgia churches," to borrow Severo's terminology. Second priority are the Baptists. Churches with seven or more words in their name (The Great Holy Israel Grace of God Rapture Preparation Temple, for example) and/or those operating out of people's houses get third priority. Anything after that just depends on how much time I have.

I'll be looking for volunteer support staff to help iron out the logistics and make all this possible. Advance planning is important for a successful interstate missionary march. And, of course, I'll need at least one volunteer standing directly behind me at all times during the trip to carry my supplies and sell T-shirts to onlookers as we pass. (Don't fight, loyal readers. You guys can take turns. It will be a long trip.)

Um, some initial T-shirt ideas: We could draw cartoon legs and arms on an image of the I-35 sign and illustrate it kneeling in prayer. And maybe another shirt that people would want to put on right away as the march progresses: just a plain white shirt with the word "FOLLOWER" in big letters across the front. I'm just kicking some things around here. I'm open to other suggestions.

Also, one other thing, I'm going to need someone (and this really should be a full-time job for one single person throughout the trip) to make notes along the way about what I see, experience, think, feel and the conversations that I have and souls that I save. Then, when we finish you can just type that up in a narrative form of, you know, 80,000 to 100,000 words or so, and I'll take it from there. I assure you your rewards will be great in Heaven.

I'm am so stoked about the great I-35 revival of 2008 (and possibly 2009; I don't know how long it will take to walk the full interstate).

Saturday, December 1, 2007

My perfect world?

I'm intrigued by these "perfect world" posts that Meaghan and Jacob have written. And what am I if not a mindless follower? So I'm trying to figure out what my perfect world would be like...

This might be tough for me, as I pride myself on my logical thinking and fantasy is not a strength of mine, but I'll do my best.

In my perfect world, all of my family members would find a precise balance (a perfect balance, you might say) of time with me and time with other people. As it is now (in the imperfect world), it seems that the family members with whom I want to spend more time are very busy, as am I, and the ones whose company I enjoy less (sorry, but true) want more and more of my time -- despite my being busy. Same goes for friends.

Basically, I'm saying perfect relationships all around. Magic.

Hm. Next... I'd certainly go along with the not having to work a regular full-time job. I wouldn't want to get lazy and find myself watching Jerry Spring and People's Court every day. But it would sure be nice to have ample time (and energy) to go for runs, read good books, cook my own meals, play with my dog, hang out with my wife, etc. etc.

And I'd want to have plenty of time and money to travel.

Ugh... I can't do it. This is all too easy. I'm too realistic to make the whole world perfect.

Bear with me while I channel my inner Michael Jackson. What? Why are you laughing? Yes, I do have an inner Michael, and I don't mean that I like little boys or plastic noses. I mean: I'm starting with the man in the mirror.

A more perfect life for me? That would mean I would exercise regularly, for starters, and eat more healthful food. I start there not because it's most important to me, but because I think those things would give me the increased energy to do all the other things I want to do.

Those other things? Well, I would actually get back to writing my "novel". I put it in quotes because I am terribly pessimistic that it will ever be finished, and if it does get finished I'm not sure it will be considered a novel -- maybe a novella, maybe a really long short story. Either way, I do want to finish it. And then write another, and another. I enjoy writing fiction when I force myself to sit down and do it. But as my faithful blog readers have probably noticed, I am not the most disciplined about writing outside my full-time job -- which unfortunately right now is about the most uncreative writing job I can imagine.

Next, I would devote more time, energy and money to charitable work. Actually, this probably should be first, in terms of its importance to me. All through high school and then even more so in college, I always pictured myself growing up to be a very giving person, a chronic volunteer, someone who would work hard to help those less fortunate. I've always despised those people who make good money and have jobs that allow them ample free time, and yet they keep it all to themselves. I guess I always really bought into the motto (or official college scripture, or whatever it was) of Berry College: Those who have received much will be expected to give much -- that's a crude paraphrase.

Well, I'm five years out of college now. I have received much, but I ain't done shit for anybody else. I make occasional charitable donations, mostly around the holidays like every other self-centered upper middle-class schmuck. And I couldn't tell you the last time I did any form of volunteer work.

One more thing I'll wrap this up with... I'd eventually get into a full-time job about which I had at least a little passion. Now I'm not bitching. I've got a good job with a good company and it's a world away from life at the Rome News-Tribune (in a good way). But I do find it hard to get motivated about writing leads for investment bankers -- which is essentially what I do.

Despite the title of this post, I'm not asking for a perfect job. And I'm not saying I'm fed up with this one. But on my list of ways I'd like to improve myself, I feel I should include figuring out what I'd really enjoy doing for a living and (at least) gradually working my way in that direction.

Now, if item No. 1 (writing fiction) and item No. 3 (finding a rewarding career path) happen to intersect, that'd be great. But I'm not ready to give up a steady paycheck and health insurance anytime soon.