Let's ban saggy white pants after Labor Day

You might have read about a push in several cities to enact local ordinances (or expand existing ones) to essentially ban the wearing of saggy pants. Among the locales considering such a move are Atlanta and its little-buddy neighbor to the northwest: Rome, Georgia.

People who support these bans claim that the offenders often wear pants sagging so low that their underwear is visible -- or in some cases, even the upper buttocks. This is effectively indecent exposure, they claim. Those who oppose the bans argue that such a move by city or county commissions is uncalled for, amounting to an intrusion on a person's freedom of expression. The naysayers (in addition to 'nay') say the local governments would be overstepping their bounds by enacting such rules, that the governments must have better things to do with their time and that such rules would be unenforceable.

While I respect the arguments of all parties involved, I must disagree. I say: the governments aren't going far enough! Of course saggy pants should be banned. They're tacky and lewd, just like the young scoundrels who don them. But they're not the only ones. How about those teenagers at the mall who wear green and yellow John Deere hats, just trying to be cool. Those little twits have never used a tractor. It's a mockery to the hard-working farmers who make our lives possible in this great nation. So I say: ban people from wearing John Deere hats unless they can prove they own and regularly operate farming equipment, preferably of the John Deere brand.

Next, we need to put a stop to those homemade T-shirts with the big screen-printed photos on the front. Frankly, they just make me want to puke. And then those Red Hat ladies. They know the purple dresses and red hats don't go together -- it says so right in their motto. So ban them, already. School systems ban gang attire, and everyone thinks that's perfectly reasonable. Well, I'm telling you: there's no group better poised to steal the hearts and minds of our youth and overthrow our communities than these Red Hatters. If we can't outright stop them, at least we can drive them underground with some carefully crafted public dress codes.

While we're at it, let's officially ban the wearing of white after Labor Day. Everybody knows they shouldn't, but some people just won't take a basic societal rule seriously until it is codified in the law.

To those who say the rules would be unenforceable: that couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, what could be easier to enforce than a dress code? All police officers have to do is look at someone to know if they are breaking the rules. And when they see offenders, I say arrest them on the spot. No warnings.

Some will say: 'Oh, but our jails are already so overcrowded. There won't be room for inmates arrested because of dress code violations.' Well boo, freakin', hoo. People better think about that before they sag their pants or go outside in their plastic red fedoras. They can stack 'em three deep at the jail for all I care.

Oh, and mullets. Can someone please do something about mullets?