BofA's NASCAR Banking: The financial markets are saved!!!

You've all heard the painful news from the world financial markets: Major banks and investment banks have failed. Stock prices have plummeted (and taken down retirement accounts with them). The credit markets are tight and getting tighter, which means some businesses lack the working capital to effectively operate and pay their employees.

It's bad news. People have thrown around doom-and-gloom words like "depression" and "bread lines." And while I can't deny that there are some fundamental economic problems that will take time to work out, I also think the average consumer and investor needs to try not to panic. What we need is a little confidence, to keep at least a reasonable amount of spending and investing alive.

Well, today, I found the confidence that I needed in the form of a radio ad. Today I learned about Bank of America's NASCAR Banking program.

Thank heaven. We are saved.

Before, I might have been a little concerned that banks were unstable and maybe I should consider stuffing a little cash and maybe a jar of Nutella into my mattress, just to be safe. But now I've found something that makes all that precaution unnecessary. What could possibly be more secure than a free, no-minimum-balance Dale Earnhardt Jr. checking account? (Also available in Jeff Gordon, Mark Martin and about a dozen other varieties.)

Seriously, Earnhardt has been the rock of a multi-generational racing family ever since his father's untimely demise in 2001. The guy has ranked in the top 10 in four out of the last six NASCAR seasons. Plus, his success has naturally bolstered his finances, as he's averaged about $5 million a year in winnings since 2001.

I think it's safe to assume that my Dale Earnhardt Jr. checking account will be just as sturdy, reliable and lucrative as its namesake driver. I'm moving all my money over there today. Nevermind that Bank of America had to cut in half its quarterly dividend and raise $10 billion in capital last week to keep racing through this series of yellow-flag laps. This NASCAR Banking program should be just the thing to keep BofA leading the pack of US banks, and hopefully let the rest of the financial system draft off its success.

Some might say I'm being overly optimistic. I say: those people have never met Jr.

OK, so I've never met Jr. either, but he seems pretty cool.

At any rate, if this plan doesn't work and the financial markets truly do collapse, we can always go back to a bartering system.