Premenstrual schizophrenia?

I had a recent conversation with a member of local law enforcement in which we shared brief descriptions of family members with schizophrenia. (It was a friendly conversation, by the way, lest you think I was being arrested.) I told of my recent experiences and the challenges of emotional coping and trying to get help for this person.

Then he told of his first wife, who suffered from severe and violent mood swings that he felt endangered himself and their children. After several years of suffering through this, he explained, he divorced her and has now been in a happy, nonviolent second marriage for a number of years. I'm spotty on the details of this conversation, perhaps because my brain was so overwhelmed by how he concluded it. "You know, they've done research to show that three-quarters of all women have some kind of that schizophrenia PMS stuff."

Well, no. I did not know that. A) I did not know that three-quarters of all women suffered from the same mental illness, and B) (and here's the kicker) I also did not realize there was a single condition known as "that schizophrenia PMS stuff."

This explains a lot.

On one hand, it seems to explain why so many of the women I know are so damn insane -- although it does nothing to explain the comparable insanity among many of the men I know. (This, by the way, comes from my left hand, which possesses only very rudimentary motor skills and is essentially retarded.)

On the other hand (my much more intelligent, rational thinking right hand), this officer's statement goes a long way toward explaining why -- or maybe I should say illustrating how -- so many of the nation's mentally ill end up homeless or in prison, with few or no options for getting the kind of help they truly need. Here's a guy, authorized to carry a gun and decide who should and should not be taken to jail, and he doesn't know the difference between schizophrenia and PMS. Not only does he not fully grasp the details, he apparently doesn't even know that there is a difference. Our conversation was interrupted before I had a chance to try to correct him. But realistically, what could I have said to that?

I've read here and there about efforts by NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) to host educational seminars for law enforcement officers, in an effort to raise awareness about the mentally ill population. Good for them. And let's hope they get to this guy soon. I hate to think how he might react when his wife hits menopause.

Make a deal with me

I just saw a "news" headline on a popular Internet portal site that read: "Britney's wild, weird week." And I'll be damned if I didn't almost click on it. Call it self respect. Call it wanna-be-intellectual snobbery. Call it whatever you want. But I am pleased to say that something stopped me.

That's not to say I haven't clicked on similar headlines before. Just last week I read a gossip-column-style piece about Britney's new surgically enhanced lips. The article quoted anonymous sources such as "a snitchy friend" and used not-so-clever turns of phrase to deride Britney's ongoing spree of public stupidity and humiliation, even picking on her apparent addiction to frozen coffee treats and ice cream. The whole style and substance of it made me as a semi-serious journalist feel severely devalued -- like the credibility of the whole profession pretty much just went down the toilet. More importantly, as a human, I felt dumber for having read it.

So now we're to the point that we need recaps of Britney's blunders. Even when she hasn't done anything newly idiotic or critique-worthy, the "journalists" who follow the Britney beat feel the need to enlighten us with perspective pieces -- as if what the world really needs now is a better understanding of where Britney has been and where she's headed.

Well I've had enough. I'm not saying I'm above reading celebrity news and gossip. But Britney must go away. So I commit, and I hope anyone who reads this will commit with me, to stop clicking on the Britney headlines, even if they're extra salacious.

Vote with your mouse, folks. Boycott Britney news.

How big a sellout would I be if I got an MBA?

So, as a journalist, I'm supposed to be committed to truth and watchdogging and the defense of American liberties, etc., right? And in that spirit, I still recall how viciously my fellow communication majors and I made fun of the business majors in college -- those future capitalist pigs. Well now -- as these things conveniently work out sometimes -- I am now reporting on business and the financial world, as I have been for the last few years.

And what do you know if now I am not personally interested in business, to the point of considering pursuing a master's degree in the rotten field. I've thought about it before (but in the past mostly because I was desperate to escape the soul-sucking life of a newspaper journalist, working at a particularly soul-sucking newspaper). Now, I'm actually considering how interesting it would be to learn about business in an academic setting and how it would open up my career opportunities -- whether I wanted to continue in financial journalism or move into the business field itself someday. The prospects of going after my master's are only improved by the fact that my wife, Meaghan, now works for my alma mater, Berry College, which means I could get a big discount on tuition.

So, consider this a poll (of the four of you who read this): on a scale of 1 to 10, how big a sellout would I be if I got an MBA?

1 = not at all a sellout; it was silly of me to make fun of business majors to begin with, because for all the greedy scandals we hear about businesspeople actually do a lot of good in the world

5 = a moderate sellout; it's possible some overall good could come from this, but there's also a good chance I'll end up making my living by killing three African children for every pound of diamonds harvested from my mine

10 = total sellout; why don't I just go do public relations for the tobacco industry and call it a day